Sometimes I Wonder.

Which is scarier, the prospect of failure or the prospect of success?

Thinking of either, my heart begins to race. I feel the electricity crackling across my synapses and I bug out a little bit. I try to determine the paths to both and figure out if I'm on one. It's all useless, and I know it's useless so I'm forced to calm down and just. keep. going. I'll end up where I do.

Hey There.

I've been a terrible blogger. Lazy and undisciplined. Sorry.

The people I bought my domain from (1&1 inc, jerks) have screwed me over twice and now I'm back to being a plain ol' blogger page. When I can afford it I'll buy another domain, because, well... I like having one.

What the hell's been going on with me? My life is... unbalanced, as usual. The physical aspects, things I do and people I contact on a regular basis--school, my boyfriend, my friends--are all good, fairly smooth, pretty unchanging. The man and I celebrated our first anniversary on January 21st, sweet. As summer gets closer, I'm slooooowly kicking my job search into high gear, and I do have hope for it. So my physical life is not sucking.

When it comes to my mental state, on the other hand... Erm. My mind is chaotic as ever. It's a more focused chaos, though. I'm less frantically trying to figure out what's wrong with me and more obsessively trying to come to terms with who I am and what I want to do with my existence.

Depression runs rampant. I fight it always, sometimes I can't.

Honestly, not much has changed. I'm still broke, unstable, in love, doing my best to progress. I'm still me.

Spewing Thoughts On Christmas.

I wonder how long my life is going to feel like this. Unsettled. Everything up in the air, me waiting for it to fall into place or into pieces. It's been years.

When will I feel okay? When will I be there?

I like to think that once I'm a teacher, living on my own, knowing how to drive, saving money, helping my community, writing consistently, blah blah blah, I'll be happy. But who fucking knows. I'm trying so hard to love my life at present, but all I can think of is that future. And maybe, when I get to that future, I'll only be thinking of an even better future. I reeeally don't want to get stuck like that. I need to learn to love the now.

I've wasted so much time, I swear. I guess I'm having a quarter-life crisis because I feel like I've squandered my youth. I keep screaming YOU'RE 20 SHUT THAT SHIT UP at myself but it only helps so much. I've been missing my youth... like, my pre-double-digit youth. I think it's because I recently reread The Bluest Eye and Toni Morrison's perfectly bittersweet description of childhood brought back so many feelings. It's a shame that I didn't know how much more I could've gotten away with as a child. I probably would've been less anxious, and would be less anxious now.

I'm trying to understand myself in relation to this world. All I see around me is everything going down in flames and I don't know what to do about it. I want to help. I want to change it all. I feel terrible that I can't. I have to learn to take responsibility for my own individual proactivity.

Sometimes I think life has treated me so unfairly but those thoughts don't last long because I know life isn't fair to most people. And I'm SO privileged. The fact that I'm sitting on my own bed, in my own room, not hungry, typing this right now... I'm one of the lucky ones. Which is why I try hard not to complain. Complaining is annoying and it gets nothing done. I try instead to get things done.

My first semester back to school since last year is over. I got an A, two Bs, and a C to result in a 3.0 gpa. Not terrible, not great either, but better than I've done before. I'm off to a good start, I think. Next semester I'm experimenting with myself. I only scheduled my classes for Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'll be at at school from 8am-2pm, two days a week. It's either gonna be a great success or a total failure, obviously. I'm sorta excited to see how it goes. I'm in no rush to return to school though. I have 22 days of break left and I want it to last.

Shitty mood's been dominating me for a while now. I'm living with it because I know eventually it will pass. More music, less tv/internet has been helping. I desperately need to create, though, so I can feel even better.

And I can't wait until it's warm outside again.

Cooking Is Therapeutic.

Made some fucking kickass delicious vegetable lo mein with peanut sauce. I feel calm and pleased.

OM NOM NOM NOM.

Untitled.

His love is so strong, it reminds me of my mother's. Warm, comforting, endless. Unconditional. It drips over me slow and sweet like honey, saturating my every pore until I become queen bee. I know my place. It is at the center of his world. -08/18/2011

[Relevant: I have or almost have called my boyfriend "mom" more times than I'd like to admit. Shit is real.]

Crunch Time.

I have three weeks of school left. It's gonna be hellish, especially since Thanksgiving break seemed to last so long. I practically forgot school existed. Here, I'm making myself a little schedule to remind me what I must accomplish.

11/29 Psychology chps. 9 & 11 Test
11/29 African-American History reading response #9 due
12/06 Psych Extra Credit due
12/08 AAH Historical Marker paper due
12/13 AAH reading response #10 due
12/15 Psych chps. 10, 13 & 14 Test
12/20 7:00AM-9:00AM PSYCHOLOGY FINAL
12/20 11:20AM-1:20PM AFRICAN-AMERICAN HISTORY FINAL
12/20 1:30PM-3:30PM 20TH CENTURY US HISTORY FINAL
12/21 8:00AM-10:00AM APPLIED COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY FINAL

In between all that I'll be doing hundreds of pages of reading and probably having a pop quiz or two.

Fuck my life on December 20th, obviously.

Shit. Damn. Motherfucker.

Wednesday, my wallet was stolen.

Right now, I am completely moneyless and without identification. I had to borrow $30 from my boyfriend's mom to get back to Philly, because this happened in New York. I immediately cancelled my bank card so all the money in my account is still intact, but I have no way to access it.

This sucks. Suh-uuuuucks. So fucking hard.

I spent the majority of today mourning the loss of all the little sentimental, random, and important-for-life things that I kept in my wallet, feeling sorry for myself, and praying PNC sends me a new debit card in time for my life not to be totally thrown off kilter. I'm also freaking out hoping whoever took it isn't smart enough to steal my identity.

Shitty shitty fucky fuckity shit ass motherfuckingshitting fuck. DAMMIT.

Moving on, moving on. Trying to.

An Exhale.

In the midst of all my uncertainty and self-hatred, there come tiny, weight-lifting-from-shoulders, eyes-seeing-clearly moments when I just let go and fall in love with myself. Those moments are so precious because at this point in my life, they're rare. I had one today.

And appropriately enough for the upcoming holiday, I'm so thankful. I had forgotten how it felt to think of who I am and just smile, just love it. Self-love is like water and I am so used to dehydration that when this feeling hit me today, I didn't even know what it was. A few minutes of freedom. Contentment. Peace. Relief. It felt good to be reminded that underneath all my shit there is a part that believes in me and is ready to embrace myself and be happy. I need to keep pushing to set it free.

And They Wonder Why It Takes Me So Long.

Every time I attempt to sort something out, it goes like this:

1) Open mind for extensive in-depth thought on one thing.
2) Every single thought that's been waiting to be hashed out notices the opening and rushes for it.
3) All thoughts get stuck in the door.
4) Mind moves faster and faster between thoughts, remembering, forgetting, and creating ideas. Focus evaporates. I may feel physical effects, anxiety. Thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and...
Kaboom.

Every. Single. Time.

PDA.

This post will be composed entirely of pictures of my boyfriend and I. Leave now if you want... We're actually really bad at taking good pictures together. That combined with the fact that we live in different states means that I have less than 20 shareable pictures to show for 9 months of relationship. Iontcaredoe. The memories are what's important.

Candid, unadulterated joy.

Adults.

My hair, much like the rest of me, is magnetically drawn to him.

Rollin' up.

He likes me. I swear.

Floating.

Standing.

Smooching.

<3

Love you baby.